Me

Me. It's a two letter word that can describe everyone in this world but what does it really mean? What is me about? What does me like? Where does me work? Where does me hang out? Is me a loner? Or is me someone who everyone loves? Me is a complex word and some times people just don't want to know. People hide away because they are ashamed of themselves, ashamed of the real me. Why should they be? If we all hide the real me then what do we have to offer the world? A bunch of sheep? 

A while ago I posted something on my old FB account about my me. For once I broke down all the walls and took a step forward and landed in a mine field. My family turned away from me, calling me an attention seeker. I knew I was going to get that if I posted but I did it anyways. I posted it because I needed a release. I posted it because no matter how many shrinks or councilors I talked to I knew it wouldn't give me the release I needed. 

Was it worth it? Yes and no. Yes because I got their real reactions. I look back now and think I should have done it in private but I have tried to talk to them before and they just shrugged me off. I'm the joke of the family, the one who doesn't have a job or education past 1st year. I was the wild child of the family but with all the stuff I went through where was my family? They left me alone because they didn't know how to talk to me. They left me alone because I was the head case of the family. I sough outsiders, strangers to talk to and they became friends and some of them are still in my life to this day. Some of them are closer than my family. No, because I lost my family. No matter how angry I was with them I still love them, they are my family. I miss them. 

I have people telling me every day I need to apologize and get them back in my life before it's too late. I probably should but I won't. I won't because I always do the running for people. I'm the one who takes the first step. This time I'm going to wait. I'm going to see who really wants me in their life. If they miss me let them take the first step.

While I am sorry I hurt them, I'm not sorry for what I said in the post. I can't be. If I am sorry for what I said it means I am sorry for the content of the post and some of that wasn't my fault. 

The real me is back behind the the brick walls, the swamp and the chained gates. There is a back door but that is reserved for people who I fully trust, the people who take the time to include me in things without me asking. Only they have a key and it's a select few. 

My point is that you should be the real me without the fear of people hating you for it. If they hate you for it, then they don't need to be in your life. You should take that and apply it to your ability to be a friend also, like Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "the only way to have friends is to be one."